Betty ford says i'm here all night
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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