Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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