To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
