How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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