she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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