I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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