remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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