i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize