My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
