Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
