Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize