wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
