alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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