you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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