i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
