oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize