she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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