a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
