I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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