I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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