my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
