I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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