my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
