he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
