she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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