at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
