My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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