dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
