I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you win again, gameday.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
