I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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