i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
birth control should be required to get into college
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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