it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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