im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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