Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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