His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
