i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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