life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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