wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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