so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
