Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
