have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
