i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
