Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
