Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
