you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
