We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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