apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
