i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
