Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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