Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
