Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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