Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
