I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
