Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
