i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
