the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
wow bdsm is so cute
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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