my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
